Jokes

I was at a party last night,and the dj played”oh sit down”By James
so we all sat down,”he then played jump around”so we all jumped
around!,then he put on come on eileen”I got thrown out!!!!

Peter invites his mum for tea.she notices his flat mate joe is slightly
camp & alough she suspected peter is gay he denies that anything
is going on and says that they are only flat m8s.a week later joe says
to peter,ever since yer mam came to tea,i cant find the frying pan…
peter emails his mum and says,dear mum im not saying that you did
take the frying pan and im not saying that you didnt take the frying
pan,but its been missing since you came for tea last week,.love peter
..his mum replies dear son im not saying you do sleep with joe and im
not saying you dont sleep with joe,but if he was sleeping in his own
bed he would have found the frying pan by now,you little bent bastard
…love mum!!!

man goes to a fancy dress party wearing just a glass jar on his penis
.lady asks what are you,he says im a fireman,but youre only wearing
a glass jar says the woman,exactly in a emergency,break glass,pull
knob and il cum as fast as i can..

god visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking
and sex if he wants to get into heaven,….the man says he will try
,god visits the man a week later to see how he is getting on…not
bad”says the man”ive given up smoking and drinking but when
the wife bent overthe freezer i had to fuck her up the arse……….
they dont like that in heaven replies god..the man says,there not
too fuckin happy about it in asda either!!..

just got thrown out of the local mosque,i walked in they were
doing there prayers….and well i couldnt help myself,,,i fucking
love leapfrog!!

a man tells his doctor whenever i masturbate,i always sing the
billy boys ,,the doc replies a lot of wankers sing that one.

a octupus walks into a bar and says i can play any musical
instrument you like”englishman gives him a guitar which he
plays better than hendrix…irishman gives him a piano which
he plays better than elton…scotsman throws him a set of
bagpipes,the octupus fumbles about for a couple of minutes
and the scotsman says whats wrong-can yi no play it?…….
the octupus says play it,im gonna fuck her brains out once
i get her pyjamas off !!!…

contrary to common belief,god created eve first,after a few
days he went down to check on her.she told him she was fine
but didnt need 3 breasts,fine god said he removed the third
breast and threw it in the bushes,when he returned to check
on eve a few days later,eve said her 2 breasts were fine,but
she was very lonely and would love a partner!,no problem
sais god,he went into the bushes got the useless tit and
made it into a man!!!

Remember folks if you go to bed with a itchy bum hole youll wake up with a stinky finger ...
Walter Smith went into a Glasgow restaurant with the entire rangers team and ordered steak pie for himself….the waiter asked.”what about the vegetables sir” ..Walter said.”just give them the soup.

Women are just like cartons of orange juice. It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is – it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!

.A sweet young girl entered a pet shop and asked, “Do you have widdle wabbits ?” The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby ?” She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit !”
Three prostitutes are sitting at a bar bragging about how big their holes are. The first prostitute declares “My hole is so big I can stuff three fingers up it!”. The second prostitute says “That’s nothing, mine’s so big I can stick my whole hand up it!’. The third prostitute just laughs and slides down the bar stool.
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says “Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur”? The bunny says “No”. – The bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

 

Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, “Jesus Paddy, what ya doing?” Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attract her…..

Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, – I’ll take her with me!

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?” Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Mick shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?” Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan were driving one night and their cars collide .To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed. In celebrationof their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment onand the Celtic fan goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 yr old bottle ofwhiskey. He hands it to the Rangers fan who exclaims, “may the Huns and the Timslive together forever in peace and harmony” and then gulps down half the bottle.He goes to hand the bottle to the Celtic fan who replies, “Nah , I’ll just waittil the polis get here!, ya Orange b******”

Two Rangers fans with a dog are sitting at the bar when in walks a man straight
over to the Dog and lifts its tail up, he takes a long look and then orders a
drink a sits at a table. Stunned the two huns look to each other in Disbelief,
did that just happen? A short while later another man enters and walks over to
the Dog lifts its tail has a good look and then buys a drink and sits down. The
puzzled huns vow if this happens again they will ask the next man whats going
on. They dont have to wait long, as the man approaches they wait until he lifts
the dogs tail and one pipes up “Here you whats the crack wi ma dog big man?” he
asks. “Oh nothing mate its just theres a Celtic fan out there who says theres a
Dog in here wi two arseholes”

 

DONT Sack Mccoist !!!

Don’t sack McCoist Ally McCoist,
Ye just don’t have 800 grand,
cos If ye sack McCoist Ally McCoist,
Ye’ll have administration on yer hands.

Don’t sack McCoist Ally McCoist,
I just don’t think you understand
cos If ye sack McCoist Ally McCoist,
Ye’ll stop all the laughter in the land.

Rangers Jokes

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw strutting down the road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. “Where are you going, Father?” he asked.”I’m going to say Mass at St Joseph’s church, about 2 miles down the road,” came the reply.
“No problem,” said the driver, “Jump in and I’ll give you a lift.”The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt. Although he was certain that he didn’t hit him, however, he still heard a loud “Thud”.

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Rangers Supporter walking down the road there.””That’s okay,” replied the priest, “I got the fucker with the door!!”

Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?

A: Legolas

Bert Konterman walks into a sperm donor bank…”I’d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.”Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?”.
“Yes” replies Konterman “you should have my details on your computer”.
“Oh yes, I’ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you’re going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?””Why do I need help?” asks Konterman . The receptionist replies”Well, it says on your record that you’re a useless wanker….”.

Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.

There was a Rangers fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he saw a local man in his smal boat, fishing. The Rangers fan asked “Are there any sharks in there?” The local replied “No sharks in here.” The Rangers fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear. Once he got into the water he asked the local “Aren’t you going to jump in? It’s nice in here.” The local told him “No, there’s too many crocodiles”.

Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. “I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned

A good looking young celt is in a night club chats up a young lady. He gets close to her and asks her name, my name is Carmen she replies. Thats a lovely name our cool young tim replies. Yes she says it means I like cars and men. She asks the young celt what his name is. He replies “Beerfanny”!

Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t matter, cos they’re all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

A time traveller lands on the Shankhill Road in Belfast and goes straight into a pub for a refreshment. He is met with open arms by the locals and soon they are swapping anecdotes and swigging away merrily. “Tell me” says one wag. “If you’re a time traveller, who wins the SPL in the year 2010 ?”
“Celtic !” replies the time lord to a massive groan.”Who wins our own league in the same year then ?” queries the bar fly at the end of the counter.”Cliftonville !” comes the retort to another massive groan. “Right mister smart ar*e time machine man” says the disgruntled landlord. “If you’re so clever tell us how much it costs for a pint of beer in Belfast in the year 2010 ?””That’s easy !” says the time traveller. “TEN PUNTS !!”.

Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn’t turned into a coach.

Barry ‘the Bazman’ Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender…’Look what I nearly trod in!!’

Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents. “Look what i’ve found lying in the gutter” he tells his father as he steps in the front door.

What you doing with that sash in this house ??” says his father “throw it in the fire !”
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. “What you doing with that sash in this house ??” says his mother ” throw it in the bin outside !”
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. “What you doing with that sash in this house ??” says his brother “throw it out on the gutter !””Oh for f*** sake” says Sean. “I’ve been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i’ve been re-routed 3 times !!”.

Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!

Q: What’s the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.

Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches st peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are noton the list.
Billy asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.Billy racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surprised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Billy yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Billy is delighted that his good work has been recognised and says can i get in now.St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now feck off ya orange bastard!

What’s Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.

Q: What’s the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point.

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and sectarianism, bigotry and evil people trying to divide the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow.” He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, “Who was that???!” “That,” one answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God’s wisdom.”
“Well,” the harpoonist replied, “he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How’s that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?”.

There’s a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it’s due to the lack of atmosphere…

Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.

Q: What’s the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.

Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They’re both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely

Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria

Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

A Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods together and spot a farm . The three of them approach the farm and knock on the door. A man answers.
“Do you have a room for the night? “, asks the Falkirk fan.
“Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs”.
“Fine I will sleep with pigs”, replies the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o’clock in the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, “It is too smelly down there”, says the Celtic fan.
“Fine then I will sleep with the pigs “, says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00 o’clock in the morning the Falkirk fan says ” It’s too smelly down there”.
“Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs” says the Rangers fan . At 4:00 o’clock in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
“It’s too smelly down there!!”

 

This fella hooked up with a girl with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). She told him she was obsessed with doing everything alphabetically. So first they did it Anal, then she gave him a Blowjob, then he licked her Clit, and then he took her Doggie style. Then he got up and got dressed. She shouted, “What about E?” He said, ” I’ve done E sweetheart – Ejaculated”. Now I’m doin F, G, and H…..Fucking going Home
Female lecturer reminds her students about exam 2moro. “apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack i’m not taking any excuses 4 not taking the exam”. Smartarse at the back says, “what if i’m suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”. Class erupts into laughter. When it quietens down she looks at him and says, “well you’ll just have 2 write with your other hand”.
Couple driving home and run over a badger. They get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. He says ” put it between ur legs to warm it up”, she says ” but its all wet and it stinks”, he says ” well hold its fucking nose then!”.

the inland revenue today revealled that they had taken control of rangers football clubs ibrox stadium and had renamed the ground the inland revenue arena or IRA for short
New drug on the market. Called “viazac” – half viagra, half prozac. Its fantastic – if you dont get a fuck, you dont give a fuck!
Raj was trying to get into uk legally. The officer said u have 2 pass a test to enter. U have 2 make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green . Raj replied ‘the telephone goes GREEN GREEN, GREEN GREEN and i PINK it up and say YELLOW. Raj now works at a fuckin call centre near u.

A man sunbathes in the nude,and burns his Penis. His Doctor tells him to dip it in a saucer of milk to ease the pain.Later his blonde wife comes home to find him with his penis in the saucer of milk. Fuck me ,she says, I always wondered how you reloaded those things.!
Went in to a chinese restaurant in Glasgow and the waiter said “Waw cha Waw” ? I said, “Beef chow mein please “. He said, “No, you daft bitch, waw cha waw, its jist bin painted”.
Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?”. She said
“Why? Do you find me repulsive?”

He said “ No….it’s burning my arse”.

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